Pitter Patter

Today is a quiet day - a wet day outside. It is finally raining after having several days of unseasonably warm temperatures (mid 80s F), and with our lawn looking like a typical lawn coming out of the winter, the intense sun before a "wet season" was only adding to the dried, brown look. So, I am thrilled it is finally soaking up some, and hopefully the green will return.

And I cannot believe the Fast is almost over - just four more days to go! It hasn't been easy for me at all. Not that it ever is. Every year I struggle with the Fast. I can't help it. I love to eat. And my focus on the physical absence of daily sustenance probably negates any benefits I am supposed to receive spiritually for fasting in the first place.

I have to say, mornings are especially tough, and I can see how fasting draws your soul to a different plane. I've been quite down and sad or emotional lately, and the mornings only add to this mindset or feeling. With today being so gray, and last night my Dukies lost in the first round of the NCAA tournament for the first time since 1996, and Ethan being such a good boy (really, we are so blessed), and Kelly not around a lot (she was on call again last night - seems to occur way too often) I get overwhelmed with emotion.

I feel stuck.

And not that being a stay-at-home dad is not rewarding in itself. God is showering me with His favours every day, if only I humbly acknowledge this daily, and realize just how good I have it.

But I feel isolated no matter how many people tell me to go out and be with other adults and parents and their children... that it will not only benefit me, but Ethan would enjoy and gain so much being in the company of other children. I feel, however, very nervous to do so, not the least of which is because I feel I've only just got my bearings with his daily schedule.

If I am to ask any of my guy friends who have yet to experience fatherhood, I am sure the longing is there, but also a sense of fear of how they'd all handle it would be present I am sure. Oh, is this ever true. But once you have things down, you dare not stray too far from your routine, for fear you will do harm to your child.

Just last night, because it was a rather unusual day (we had a salesperson come to our house to demonstrate a Kirby vaccum cleaner -- not a planned visit I assure you) I forgot to take out enough breastmilk from the freezer to thaw. So I found myself at 4pm, with Ethan coming out of his afternoon nap, with no milk ready for him. Only solid blocks of expressed milk I had yet to do anything with.

It didn't take long, and Ethan was patient and just wanted to be carried by his daddy, but this "out of routine" only reinforced my trepidation in doing anything remotely outwith my daily plan.

So I am stuck.

If only Kelly's residency was over.

I can't believe how difficult it is being a spouse to someone who is away so much like this - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for Kelly being on her feet for so hours at a time, away from her noomie, having to lug around a breast pump and pump up to 9 times during one call shift!

So these days are not easy.

And with things like our house for sale hanging over our heads, the thought that Ethan will be without many options for growth and development in Blue Ridge, it can get a bit overwhelming at times.

I wonder some times how easy it would be if all of my old friends were around us during this time in our lives, and if our families lived close(r) to us.

Because of the weather outside it still feels like dawn time with just enough light breaking through the partially opened drapes decorating our windows.

And Ethan is contentedly babbling away in his swing.